9/11, abortionists, christ, christian, Christianity, conservative, disaster, disaster relief, feminists, first presbyterian church, flood, gabriel, gates of hell, gays, god, haiti, homosexual rally, hurricane katrina, jerry falwell, jesus, jesus christ, john hagee, katrina, lesbians, liberal, lower manhattan, manhattan, martial law, natural disaster, new orleans, new york city, news, obama, pact to the devil, pact with the devil, pagans, pat robertson, president obama, Religion, satan, spirituality
Rev. Jonathan Green, pastor of First Presbyterian Church, said, “This flood is God’s punishment for allowing Christian extremists to blame natural disasters and acts of terrorism on innocent people. It’s because of people like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell that this tragedy has come upon us. These extremists are endangering the freedom and livelihood of millions of Americans by spreading hatred instead of love,” Green said. “This flood was a clear message from God that they should repent.”
Officials estimate that the flood last Thursday killed over 30,000, with another 80,000 still unaccounted for. Disaster relief organizations are overwhelmed by the nearly 1.2 million people who are now homeless. On Saturday President Obama declared martial law in Lower Manhattan in order to curb rioting and looting.
The archangel Gabriel confirmed that the flood in New York was, indeed, in response to what he called, “petty, childish finger-pointing of right-wing nut jobs.” Gabriel said, “All you religious moderates out there are right to blame these extremists for this. God is upset that they’re directing attention away from him.”
Far-right conservative Christians have a long history of blaming tragic events on their opponents. Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell came under considerable criticism in 2001 when they blamed the 9/11 terrorist attacks on “the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and lesbians.”
In 2005 John Hagee came under fire when he claimed that Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in order to stop a homosexual rally. “In the case of New Orleans, their plan to have that homosexual rally was sin,” Hagee said. “But it never happened. The rally never happened.”
Robertson received considerable criticism again this year when he blamed the earthquake in Haiti in January on a “pact to the devil” that Haitian slaves allegedly made two centuries ago.
In a press conference at the Gates of Hell on Monday, Satan said, “I have never had any formal relationship with Haiti. I can confirm that the Haitians and I had some preliminary discussions in the early 1800’s. However, the Haitians made it abundantly clear that they were unwilling to put their eternal souls up as collateral. After that, things fell apart quickly. I’ve had only minimum contact with them since.”
Americans and religious moderates are counting their blessings that Jerry Falwell died of heart failure in 2007. Green said, “Can you imagine the fallout? Clearly Pat Robertson’s words about Haiti were the tipping point for God and this catastrophe. Think of how much worse it would have been if Falwell were still around.”
In a brief question-and-answer session on Sunday, God told reporters, “These religious kooks have consistently and mistakenly placed responsibility for these disasters on the homosexuals and the liberals.” Emotions flared high as reporters hounded God with questions. At one point God said, “Look, when I pull of some incredible display of awesome natural power, I want the credit for it! Stop blaming it on the abortionists. For the love of me, gimme some freakin’ credit!”
One angel, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told reporters that God’s emotional outburst at the press conference was probably due in part to stress related to increased Father-Son bonding time. “Jesus has been teaching God a lot about carpentry. God’s pretty good at it, and it’s doing wonders for their relationship. However, the work can be somewhat strenuous, and I think it’s partially to blame for his outburst at the press conference. Splinters in the hands of an angry God… that’s not good for anyone.”