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CAIRO, Egypt – Archaeologists in Egypt unveiled a discovery that many scholars believe cause a revolutionary shift for Christianity worldwide–the discovery of the Eleventh Commandment.
The new commandment reads: “Thou shalt not take thyself too seriously.”
According to the Biblical narrative found in Exodus 19, Moses ascended Mount Sinai into a dense cloud where he met with God and received what was previously known as the Ten Commandments.
“I was working my down the mountain, carrying the three tablets,” Moses said during a séance on Monday. “Between the dense clouds, the rumbling of the earth and the startling trumpet blasts, I was having difficulty keeping my footing without dropping the tablets. God said I could leave the Eleventh Commandment on the mountain as long as I promised to return for it. In all the excitement and celebration, I dunno. I guess I just forgot. Then there were ten.”
Over time, the Ten Commandments–written on two stone tablets–came to be understood as an essential component of Abrahamic faiths. Today, the system of morality adopted by most Christians is rooted in the principles of the Ten Commandments. The discovery of the third tablet and the Eleventh Commandment has Christian theologians in an uproar.
James Metzlinger, a professor of comparative ethics at Harvard Divinity, said the Eleventh Commandment will mark a turning point for Christian ethics. “I think a lot of Christians take themselves–and their faith–too seriously. Sure, it is important to study scripture and discuss theological and ethical issues, but we’ve got to lighten up and ask ourselves, ‘Is it really that important?'”
“It raises all sorts of ethical and theological questions,” said Metzlinger. “For example, how do we interpret the Gospels now that we have this new information? Jesus went through quite an ordeal during the whole crucifixion fiasco. That, compounded with his numerous encounters with the pharisees, chief priests and authorities, may lead one to question whether Jesus took himself too seriously. Where does that leave us theologically?”
Scholars say that history is rife with Christians who take themselves too seriously. “Look at the Crusades,” said Amy Folston, professor of history at Oxford. “The Crusades are a classic example of Christians taking things way too seriously. Or take the example of the Spanish Inquisition. Or Manifest Destiny. Or Pat Robertson. Or street corner evangelists. Or… well, you get the idea.”
Pastor Steven Anderson of Faithful Word Baptist Church said, “This thing is an abomination. It’s clearly a hoax thought up by wicked sinners who read the NIV and pee sitting down. Of course it’s not real. You know why? If it were real, it would have been in the King James Version. I hope the archeologists who found it die.”
“This is wonderful news,” said Rob Bell, pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church. “We officially have the green light to spend more time drinking beer at the pub, and less time pulling our hair out over complex theological issues. Don’t get all bent out of shape over this. Otherwise, you’re breaking God’s commandment. Just be chill.”
The discovery has may wondering why the Eleventh Commandment remained undiscovered for so long. Heaven has issued no formal response on the matter. However, an angel, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told journalists, “Of course we were aware that Moses forgot the tablet, but we didn’t want to make too big of deal over it. Plus, we figured you’d find it eventually anyway. “