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Scotteriology had a post on How to Ruin Halloween. It was so ridiculous, I thought I’d keep it going.

Chick tracts describes how to make Halloween a soul-winning event. You may remember Chick from the best tract ever. May God save you from hellish boredom if you’ve ever been handed one of Chick’s tracts by a badly-dressed, over-enthusiastic street preacher. They’re hard to avoid on Michigan Ave. The Statement of Faith on Chick’s website opens by declaring that the KJV is the only source of absolute Truth. Their theology degenerates from there (as if that weren’t low enough) to decry such heretical institutions as: Catholicism, Masonry, the odious NIV.

I digress. Back to soul-winning on Halloween. Chick.com says, “Let’s be honest. How many of us have hidden in the back of the house, with the porch light off, hoping the kids will leave us alone? We don’t like Halloween and its occultic history, and we don’t celebrate it. So we hide our light, instead of letting it shine. Is that what Jesus called us to do?” Apparently real Christians don’t go trick-or-treating. I forgot. So, how do they suggest we let our light shine, instead of hiding it? Check it out:

  1. Let Trick-or-Treaters pick from a tray stocked with different Chick tracts.
  2. Pass out Chick tracts at Haunted Houses.
  3. Put a Chick tract under windshield wipers at adult Halloween parties.
  4. Leave tracts in the candy section of stores.
  5. Set up a table and give Trick-or-Treaters Chick tracts as they pass by your church.
  6. Go house to house saying, “Trick or Tract,” then hand the person a Chick tract.
  7. Share Halloween tracts at school.
  8. Leave Chick tracts at Costume shops.
  9. Hit the streets, shouting, “Free comic books!” You’ll be swarmed with requests.
  10. Won’t be home? Leave a box of Chick tracts at your front door with instructions.
  11. Give some of your tracts to your Christian friends to get them involved.
  12. Organize a church-wide Chick tract distribution project.
  13. Hand out tracts at places where they sell Halloween pumpkins.

I would just like to highlight number 6 on that list, “Go house to house saying, ‘Trick or Tract,’ then hand the person a Chick tract.” Disclaimer: if you say “Trick or Tract” to me at the door this year, I will throw a bowl of rotty oatmeal on your face.

Or how about number 9, “Hit the streets, shouting, ‘Free comic books!’ You’ll be swarmed with requests,” … until everyone realizes your passing out Chick tracts, at which point you will likely be pushed into a stagnant body of water, stripped naked and dropped miles from home, or mercilessly pummeled.  All of these are appropriate responses to the situation.

Please, kids. Stick to candy. It may rot your teeth, but it won’t rot your mind.

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