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I came downstairs last night and found a yellow spiderweb covering the floor of the basement. It traversed the length of the room at least seven times, frequently zigzagging behind desks, under chairs, through doorways and between furniture. There’s about 300 feet of yarn strewn across the room.

The culprit? I’ll tell you her aliases: shittydumbhead, poopstain, poopbreath, pooper, shithead, stinky.

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