, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Bible tells us that the rapture will occur at noon on Saturday in Anderson, Ind.

“For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God.” I Thes. 4:16

At this time, God will gather the Chosen Ones up to heaven, leaving everyone else to wallow in loss and desolation. When you hear the shout and the trumpet, beware: The Rapture is here!

Do not be mislead: When you hear the trumpet sound at noon on Saturday, the Chosen Ones will disappear from the face of the earth. False prophets may try to convince you that what you are hearing is not the trumpet of God, but rather a test of the local tornado siren. Do not believe these heretics! They are godless doubters who refuse to believe the scientific facts about the rapture. The Chosen Ones disappear from the earth, never to be seen again. There is no other possible scientific explanation, other than that they are swept up to heaven.

If you are not fortunate enough to be one of the chosen ones, it is not to late to start preparing for the Great Tribulation. Like all previous raptures, the Chosen Ones will likely include various household and personal items. In order to survive in this God-forsaken, post-Rapture world, we highly suggest creating a Tribulation Survival Kit of items which are frequently counted among the Chosen Ones:

  • Mismatched socks
  • An extra set of car and house keys
  • Assorted pen caps
  • Loose change
  • Chapstick
  • A list of everyone’s phone number

If you notice any of these items missing in the days following, do not be alarmed. They were counted among the Chosen Ones and swept up to heaven. Be grateful on their behalf. In the meantime, use your Tribulation Survival Kit to supplement their loss until you have time to run to the store and replace them.

To get more cold, hard facts about the Rapture, read these extremely intellectual and scientific articles written by well-respected scholars and theologians with degrees from prestigious institutions.

If my incredibly insightful, informative essay has not convinced you of the urgency of the rapture, just stare at this image for a couple hours until you believe everything I say: