Trick or Tract: HalloWTF?

Scotteriology had a post on How to Ruin Halloween. It was so ridiculous, I thought I’d keep it going.

Chick tracts describes how to make Halloween a soul-winning event. You may remember Chick from the best tract ever. May God save you from hellish boredom if you’ve ever been handed one of Chick’s tracts by a badly-dressed, over-enthusiastic street preacher. They’re hard to avoid on Michigan Ave. The Statement of Faith on Chick’s website opens by declaring that the KJV is the only source of absolute Truth. Their theology degenerates from there (as if that weren’t low enough) to decry such heretical institutions as: Catholicism, Masonry, the odious NIV.

I digress. Back to soul-winning on Halloween. Chick.com says, “Let’s be honest. How many of us have hidden in the back of the house, with the porch light off, hoping the kids will leave us alone? We don’t like Halloween and its occultic history, and we don’t celebrate it. So we hide our light, instead of letting it shine. Is that what Jesus called us to do?” Apparently real Christians don’t go trick-or-treating. I forgot. So, how do they suggest we let our light shine, instead of hiding it? Check it out:

Let Trick-or-Treaters pick from a tray stocked with different Chick tracts.

Pass out Chick tracts at Haunted Houses.

Put a Chick tract under windshield wipers at adult Halloween parties.

Leave tracts in the candy section of stores.

Set up a table and give Trick-or-Treaters Chick tracts as they pass by your church.

Go house to house saying, “Trick or Tract,” then hand the person a Chick tract.

Share Halloween tracts at school.

Leave Chick tracts at Costume shops.

Hit the streets, shouting, “Free comic books!” You’ll be swarmed with requests.

Won’t be home? Leave a box of Chick tracts at your front door with instructions.

Give some of your tracts to your Christian friends to get them involved.

Organize a church-wide Chick tract distribution project.

Hand out tracts at places where they sell Halloween pumpkins.

I would just like to highlight number 6 on that list, “Go house to house saying, ‘Trick or Tract,’ then hand the person a Chick tract.” Disclaimer: if you say “Trick or Tract” to me at the door this year, I will throw a bowl of rotty oatmeal on your face.

Or how about number 9, “Hit the streets, shouting, ‘Free comic books!’ You’ll be swarmed with requests,” … until everyone realizes your passing out Chick tracts, at which point you will likely be pushed into a stagnant body of water, stripped naked and dropped miles from home, or mercilessly pummeled.  All of these are appropriate responses to the situation.

Please, kids. Stick to candy. It may rot your teeth, but it won’t rot your mind.

Speak Progressive Liberalese: “-industrial complex” suffix

For those of you attempting to learn to speak Progressive Liberalese, this lesson should provide some further insight into the P-L language and build your vocabulary.

This lesson is on the suffix: -industrial complex.

Similar to the English prefix anti-, non-, and un-, the suffix -industrial complex gives a negative connotation to the word it is attached to. P-L language adds this suffix to any sector of the economy which it wishes to criticize. By attaching -industrial complex to any societal structure, one causes the listener to wonder if the structure is actually a gigantic system controlled by a mysterious group of inaccessible conspirators for their own oppressive gain. While formal usage of the suffix is relegated to social and economic discussion, colloquial usage of this suffix can be expanded to non-economic terms.

Common usages of this suffix include:

• Military-industrial complex
• Prison-industrial complex
• Medical-industrial complex
• Real Estate-industrial complex

Colloquial examples in use:

• If you fear or dread going to the dentist, you might say: I hate going to the dental-industrial complex.
• If you are more of a dog person than a cat person, you might say: I prefer dogs to the feline-industrial complex.
• If your friend, Greg, is extremely annoying at parties, you might say: Don’t invite the  Greg-industrial complex. He’s so lame!

Exercise:
Try using the suffix in the following examples by filling in the blank.

1. Everyone should unilaterally the expansion of the medical insurance  ____________.
2. Increasing the number of troops in Afghanistan would only strengthen the military ____________.
3. We need alternative forms of justice to our defunct prison ____________.

Now create your own sentences using the following words.

1. Capitalist-industrial complex
2. Private health care-industrial complex
3. Penguin-industrial complex

Not so super powers

So, my family has been known to get carried away. On occasion we have been known to take something silly and run way to far with it. My sister recently discovered a list we made a few years ago while having lunch at our favorite Italian restaurant. We’d just gone to see one of those sub-par superhero movie. (It’s hard to remember which, because there are so many of them). Our conversation drifted from sub-par superhero movies to to sub-par superpowers. The resulting brainstorm session yeilded the following list of superheroes, villains, and a few that we’re really not sure about, all of whom are equipped with mysterious but rather lackluster special powers. While the moral character of your average superhero may range from transcendentally righteous to heinously evil, these not-so-super heroes range from slightly convenient to mildly annoying. Sure, Superman just stopped that missile from hitting a bus full of schoolchildren, but we can all agree that the Temprighture is the real hero of the day for reheating my latte.

Superheroes

• Confettiman: Shoots confetti like Spiderman.
• Genulaughman: Makes courtesy laughs sound sincere to the person telling a corny joke.
• Temprighture: Dips his finger into a drink and makes the drink the perfect temperature to sip.
• Radioman: Can tune the radio perfectly to the station for the clearest signal.

Supervillians

• Tablerocker: Walks into a room, and one leg of every table and chair is slightly shorter than the other three, making it wobble.
• Tiltawirl: Walks into museum, and makes all the paintings slightly crooked.
• The Sneeze: When he looks at you, you sneeze every time you say the word “the.”
• Snortman: When he tells a joke, everyone who laughs, inadvertently snorts.
• Awkward Introduction man: Can’t decide whether to handshake or hug.

Not quite sure

• Caralarmer: Sets of the alarm of every vehicle he walks past.
• Rhymeman: Everyone in the room speaks in rhymes.
• Popeye: In his presence, a faint “pop” noise can be heard any time anyone blinks.
• Gollyman: Every time he points at you, you say, “Golly!”

Conservapedia: Rewrite the Bible so that you’re the main character

A friend of mine posted an article on Facebook about how a conservative group is rewriting the Bible to better fit their conservative perspective.

Candidates for deletion include such passages like, “Father forgive them,” “Turn the other cheek,” and “Love thy neighbor.” Usage of commie words like “comrade,” “labor” and “fellow” will be greatly reduced in this new version. Words like, “peace” and “word” will be updated in favor of words with stronger connotations of power. Finally, parables which endorse a free market economy will be embellished and emphasized.

Furthermore, their logo. I rest my case.

From their website: “The ensuing debate would flesh out–and stop–the infiltration of churches by liberals pretending to be Christian.”

I’ll be honest. I’ve infiltrated a number of churches in my day. The ol’ wolf in sheep’s clothing thing… works every time. I walk in the door, giving homage to the almighty white, blue-eyed, blond-haired, American, capitalist Jesus and talking about how he saved me from the horrible fires of Hell. Soon enough I have gained everyone’s trust and can begin infecting them with evil, of-the-devil, abhorred principles like: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self-control. Pretty soon, they’ve all been infected by my venom. They no longer solely pursue their own selfish good at the costs of others; they start thinking about their neighbors and how to be kind and considerate. Oh, it works so devilishly well. I make Satan proud.

Essentially, this project is an exercise in self-idolatry. Those working on the project are rewriting the Bible with themselves as the main character. They are God. They are Jesus. They are the Holy Spirit. The god of the bible they produce will be themselves, as every line of scripture will reinforce their own personal biases. They are making themselves into a golden calf, that their singular worldview will become the authoritative truth. This bible is not their source of truth. They are the source of truth for this bible.

Well, if they are going to rewrite the Bible, I feel obligated to respond. I’m officially writing my own Bible. I’m changing the part where Jesus said, “Love your enemies” to read, “Love your enemies.” The passage that reads, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” will now read, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The part that goes, “Do good to those who hurt you,” will be updated to, “Do good to those who hurt you.”

Edgy. I know. Thank goodness he didn’t actually say that stuff. Otherwise, I’d be obligated to give a damn about anyone besides myself.

My new fav… Pastor Steven Anderson

For those of you who don’t know Pastor Steven Anderson, you should. The man is a genius… if genius is directly proportional to willful ignorance. Some of his insightful exploits include proving that Jesus wore pants and a blazer (some things never go out of style… even if they’re 2000 years old), explaining how God wanted men to pee standing up (apparently Mr. Anderson has never had morning wood), and that the Bible wasn’t written in Greek (since Greeks are a bunch of queers in dresses).

I made a comment about him being willfully ignorant. Here’s a quote from his church’s website: “Pastor Anderson holds no college degree but has well over 100 chapters of the Bible committed to memory, including almost half of the New Testament. Today, most Baptist churches are started by Bible Colleges. However, the Bible makes it clear that the church is the pillar and ground of the truth, not a school.”

Furthermore, he seems to honestly be unaware that things today are different than they were 2000 years ago. Never before have I seen anyone perform such skillful isogesis. He reads his own culture, values and beliefs into the text. Doing so not only justifies himself and any action he may take, it sets him in light to follow in the footsteps of previous spiritual greats like Jim Jones and Warren Jeffs. His world is literally no bigger than his morality and a collection of decontextualized of texts from several millennia ago.

Recently, he recently announced the he hoped Barack Obama would die of a brain tumor. Check it out:

The two gems are where he says, “You’ll see that there are lot of people who God hates and who we should hate,” and, “When people say I’m going to come kill you within the next 36 hours, that’s different than wishing something in their mind.” So God hates people. God wants us to hate people. And wishing someone is dead in your mind is different than actually killing them.

Apparently Jesus was full of shit when he said, “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” Or maybe they took that part out of the KJV.

If you ever need a laugh so good, you’ll want to stab yourself in the ears until you’re deaf… look up some YouTube sermons of Pastor Steven Anderson. Start with “Pisseth against the wall.”